“He was puzzled how a gigantic ‘N' shaped thing could kill a man. He made one to the actual representation of the sign and dropped it upon himself.”

“And it killed him by spearing him through the chest.”

“No the ‘N' shaped sign made of metal bounced off of my brothers chest and fell into the sub station and as he used the sign to help him up he got electrocuted and died.”

“Now that's just stupid no one...” Margaret was cut off.

“Here's a picture of my brother with his sign.”

“Hi guys, this seat taken?” Andy asked as he stood in his cyclist shorts and other serious kit.

“No, Dave is over buying drinks.”

“Ah, best not have one, you know what happens when I do.”

All muttered they did after the Brighton experience.

Andy noted Marie had a sandwich with her, looking at it and then at her he felt he had to say; “Nice breast! very plump and firm!”

“Pardon me?” Marie said as she blinked several times.

“Hey! Steady on mate, Rob's at the table.” Dirk added while the others looked on horrified. “Nah... chicken, very nice chicken breast..”

“We need to get you a girlfriend!” Margaret came out with as she tutted.

Dirk grinned, “No good my love he's got as much feeling down there as Action Man has.”

“Ergonomically designed.”

Dirk frowned before allowing that stupid grin to fall over his face, “Yeah I suppose Action Man's lower area could have been shoved into a wind tunnel.”

“No Dirk!” Marie spat through her sandwich. “You can get those specially designed saddles that lower the rate of impotence and other dysfunction's.”

“No need!” Andy announced. “I have one of those Specialized saddles and I also always wear incontinence pants where ever I go.” He leaned back into the chair. “Ah, now that's living!”

Dirk furrowed his brow (better than saying frowning...doh!) not following the plot and so decided to add to Margaret's line of thought. “You need a bird, like she says.”

“But what if he can't, you know what; one hell of a let down on his wedding night.”

“Say that again Rob!”

Margaret sighed; “We wanted children, but alas it was never meant to be.”

“Why? What happened?” Marie asked feeling a maternal feeling wash over her.

“His little soldiers couldn't fight the war and breach the castle egg wall.”

“That's why you split up, cause you couldn't have children?”

“Oh yes, he thought I didn't love him because he couldn't produce the goods. I told him it was nonsense and we got back together. Though I often thought about adopting or trying other methods. I'd best call him and let him know I will be late home tonight, now where's my phone.”

“You can have my seimens if you like!”

“Excuse me, did you just say what I thought you said?” Margaret's eyes were wide with shock.

“Yeah I never use my thing, so just have my seimen.”

“I'm a little too old for that now.”

“Never too old!” Dirk joked knowing full well Andy's line of reason.

“Oh your mobile phone Andy!” She said all relieved like as he handed over a moist mobile phone. “Thank goodness for that.”

“Still Andy me main man, we can get you a chick for sure.”

Andy looked over at Dirk and saw everyone else stare heavenwards. “How do you suggest I get a chick?”

“This is the Dirk's sure fire way of scoring. Get onto a boat, it is good as it rocks about. This gives you a chance to allow the boat to knock you off your feet and into a ladies lap. If you are a woman, you can try this but I suggest you do it on a man who is very hygienic down below unlike Action Man here.”

“And where in heavens name are we going to get Andy here onto a boat?” David called out on his way back to the table to find no seats.

“Simple we take him down to the Isle Of Wight ferry, you know the one from Portsmouth to Ryde?”

“No.” All came out with.

“Gee you guys need to live, far better than Canvey island you know. Anyway I have never failed to score on that ferry, maybe that's why I've been banned, too much of a babe magnet.”

Andy looked up at the thickly built Welshman. “Had a hair cut?”

“Oh yes! For charity, had it all shaved off for Children in Need.”

“But you didn't have much up there to start with.”

Dave frowned as he thought this over. “That's why I didn't get much money then!”

Robin looked over at his beloved, “What if my hair falls out?”

Marie grabbed hold of one of his hands. “I can always find other places to rub.”

Robin reciprocated. “Like my back.”

“Exactly! Pure heaven.”

The whole place went a deathly silent followed by the head chef shouting out, “Whuur, I think I'm going to be sick!”

Dirk who seemed to be the most un-phased here mainly because he was thinking about the boat came out with. “So, we just rent a boat on the local river, invite other members of staff from local nut houses and get a bird for Andy.”

“But make sure he gets a woman this time and not one of Rare's Ex's.” David added to Dirk's plan.

“You are all heart really aren't you Dirk.”

“I knew a man once, he had a heart as big as his head.” Robin came in with as Margaret patted the ex Grease extra look alike.

“Lovely man then, all love and care.” Marie added to Rob's thoughts.

Robin frowned. “No Marie, he had a heart the size of his head, that's what killed him.”

“Oh my, now it's my turn to feel sick.”

“Yeah, watch it Rare, I think you need your mouth washing out, liquid, or soap, or some other mouth cleaning detergent.” Dirk was getting out of his depth in the cleaning department with every extra word he added on.

“Washing up liquid. Mother used to put some in my drinks to make me foam at the mouth.”

David pulled out his famous pad that he kept on the mental. “Go on!”

“In order to get social security and other government agencies to take me away, said I had rabies. It never worked though, good old mum always trying to get rid of me legally or not.” Then Robin grinned. “Still on an even brighter side, the liquid made my teeth shine and I had a squeaky clean noise when I rubbed my teeth with my fingers.”

Dirk stood up. “That's it! I'm out of here, no more weird tales from the Goblin looking extra from Lord of The Rings.”

“I agree.” David added before staring at Robin. “Now meet me at o'sixteen hundred with our list for tomorrow.”

Dirk caught sight of Allison and saddled up to her as she sat round the manager's table. “Get your list babe, we are on for operation smuggle.”

“Did you say snuggle?”

Dirk laughed like a small boy. “We can do that later.” Then he was all serious again. “Must have your list by four this afternoon. Hand it over to Dave.”

OPERATION CANDY BOX .

Robin and Ray packed up the coffin and loaded it into the back of the van along with others. The daylight was just beginning to come in as the van's lights found their way along the quiet roads to the asylum.

“Sure this is going to work?” Ray asked a bundle of nerves.

“As confident as I am now, It'll work.”

“Who is going to be there to let us in?”

“Dirk offered to do the late night shift, providing he's awake he'll have the doors open and ready.”

Ray listened to the engine as it carried the van and them along to their destination. “Isn't that amazing, the turbo on this truck sounds like a siren from a police car.”

Robin listened and had to agree, “Mind you, that's nothing.”

Ray cocked his head, “Go on.”

“I had an old lady in my car once who had a dodgy hearing aid and every time we went round a corner it went off as a high pitch squeal. You can imagine how that looked going past a parked police car in a robin reliant on a warm summers day.”

“Must have been embarrassing when they pulled you over.”

Robin grinned then took a look in his side mirror. “Not as embarrassing as thinking the turbo sounds like a police car.”

“How come?”

“Because it is a Police car trying to pull us over.”

Ray took a good look, “Oh my lord, he was in my blind spot.”

The van finally made it's way past checkpoint Charlie and up round the back. Sure enough there Dirk stood with David, Margaret and Marie.

Ray opened up the back.

“Just how many dead dudes are in here?” Dirk asked as he saw a van full of coffins.

“None, these are all empty. The stiffs are all inside waiting to be dressed.”

“You mean I slept last night near a room full of dead.”

“Yeah.” Ray laughed an evil laugh as he freaked out Dirk.

“Come on lads put your back into it, want our goodies stashed away fast like.”

“Hey that's how we put dead people in, back first.” Ray added to David's orders. “Make a nice cracking sound sometimes.”

“Shut the hell up man!” Dirk shouted as he shivered.

Margaret wanted to know something. “Robin, which coffin has the food in?”

Robin in turn tapped the black one. “This one, it's heavier than the rest, me and Dave will handle this one.” He turned to look at Marie. “Best get going love, I don't want you getting caught.”

Marie smiled giving him a kiss on the cheek. “That's why I love you Rare, you care and you are smart.”

As Marie ran off into the early morning mist like an escaped hooded mad person Margaret questioned; “Why send her off Rare?”

“Hello, what have we here then, if it isn't an illegal gathering.”

Dirk looked round and dropped his end of a coffin. “Quiet Allison, we don't want sergeant and chef knowing our plans.”

“Honey, you still have chocolate on your forehead.”

He giggled like a school girl before snapping out of it. “Yeah, we have the stuff, in the black coffin.”

Allison smiled. “Did you hear that Chef, we have ourselves an illegal junky gathering.”

“Hey, we ain't no pot smokers.” David threw his weight behind those words and saw the Chef had more weight than he.

Robin frowned, “I always thought of smoking pot as just that. You ground down an earthenware vessel and smoked it to get high. I did that once.”

“Did it work?”

“Once. That was the time when I ground down a pot which had formerly been super glued together, boy did I see things, much like Allison here is getting all uptight about nothing.”

“Why did you betray us Allison?” Dirk asked.

“Because me and Chef here have a special relationship.”

Dirk felt a chill go down his back. “You and Chef are...”

“Lovers.”

He fell to his knees and screamed. “You used me girl, you used me!”

The manager grinned as she focussed on the small man with the odd looking glasses. “Now Rare, you could lose your job. I look forward to terminating your employment and your contract of stiff moving.”

“I don't think so Allison, like me you are under false pretences.”

“Shut up and open the black coffin.”

“As you wish.” Robin laid the heavy slender coffin down and with Ray's help he opened up the lid.

The chef inhaled deeply as Allison stared hard at the skinny contents inside. “Looks like an anorexic Olivia Newton John in that old video from a song about health.”

“Oh yeah Physical, I remember that one, she was a babe.” Dirk recovered enough to come out with.

“That's what happens to you when you go on a health food drive, addles the mind and kills the body. She was only forty three when she died.”

Allison and chef looked at each other as Robin and Ray boxed the poor lady back up.

“As from today, we shall allow any food you guys want and we will not instil our vision of a skinny future upon anyone who does not wish it.” Grabbing chef by the arm she had just a few other words to say, well just five. “I bid you all good day.” Sorry six, I never learnt to count.

“Yeah! Whoo!” The group shouted as they patted and shook Robin halfway to death.

“Where is the food you got for us?” Margaret asked.

“Oh, Marie had it in the bag she was carrying. When I sent her off, she went round the front and walked in knowing full well Allison would betray Dirk here and us.”

“Cleaver man!” She kissed him on the cheek before frowning. “Funny after shave.”

“Sorry, that's wart cream.”

“My heart is broken and my spirit is crushed.”

“What's up with Dirk?” Andy asked as he skidded to a halt on his racing bike. “Sorry I'm late, got pulled over by the cops for no lights.”

“So did we, back lights were out.” Ray added as he took an end of an empty coffin and helped Dave load in back into the van.

“The love of his life betrayed him for the chef.”

“Oh, bummer.”

“Still he'll thank me because I have, well Marie has arranged for us all to have a party on boat. We took Dirk's idea and she has invited all the local authority health staff to come along. Tomorrow night, starts at eight and goes on till way past midnight.”

“Yo dude, party! Yeah!” Dirk was himself again and all loves lost was just that lost and forgotten.