ALL GOOD THINGS END AT A PARTY .

The guests filed onto the boat and all either knew each other or just said polite hello's. It soon digressed into a sit at the table your group sat, and just eye up the others.

Dirk helped himself to the food and sat down next to Margaret who was deep into the Vodka and tonics.

“Hey guys, get a load of me. When I shove this sandwich into my gob, I sound like Frank Bruno when I speak!”

“Oh my lord, close your mouth, I don't want a reminder of what the inside of a blender looks like.” Margaret shouted as she slapped him making the poor guy start to choke. “And you can stop coughing for sympathy as well!”

Just then the hosts arrived and were welcomed by many. Marie was the first to get away and find the Placebo club. “Having a nice time?”

“Nah, no chicks worth having here, all fat bottomed girls with jelly filled mid-drifts.”

Margaret ignored the overpowering scent of Dirk to observe Marie was carrying a clothes bag. “Been shopping dear?”

“Yeah, I got a new Jacket. We thought we would take advantage of the late shopping night.”

“Gee that looks really nice!” Dirk came out with trying to regain credibility here.

“How can you tell? It's still in the bag.”

“Ah, um...” Then he spied Robbo carrying a nice ornate looking box. “Nice box, got some of the demon stuff in there eh? I always new you were a dark horse.”

Robin frowned at the gold dressed glittering man. “No, my brother is in there.”

“My dear Robin, when we talked about your poor departed relative, I didn't really want to see him.” Margaret added, wondering if the guy always carried the chaps remains about.

“What? As in cremated?” David asked as he brought all a bottle of wine on a tray full of glasses. Generous? No, just the fact it was free.

“Yes. He said that when he died he'd like to be cremated on Boxing day. Trouble was, my mobile phone reception wasn't very good. All I got was cremated in box. So, here he is actually forming this lovely grey box. In which I keep my dominoes in.”

“Gee great fun, dominoes!” Dirk shouted. “I'd rather much play hangman.”

“My mum's favourite game was hangman.”

“Oh bloomin hell, not another freaky story from gnome man here. I'm off to watch paint dry.” Dirk announced as he strolled away wolf whistling to a skinny lady with a glass eye which was pointing inwards; looked like she was cross-eyed as the other working eye also pointed that way.

“She was always so good at it..” Robin continued.

Andy turned up and announced his arrival by adding, “Knocked her off then!”

Marie went all red in the face, while Margaret chastised the man. “We'll have none of that around this table.”

Andy went a little red, “No, I thought we were talking about Ludo.”

Robin shook his head and continued; “Come to think of it I was always losing. The welfare department stopped us playing it in the end.”

“Welfare?” David asked as he poured himself a glass of free wine.

“I used to get strung up via the ceiling light every time I lost. Almost got throttled big time when the wire pulled so tight I almost died.”

“Oh my poor Robin.” Marie said as she gave him a big hug.

Robin laughed one of his slow laughs, “Still, you could say that in the end I saw the light at the end of the tunnel over that near life/death experience.”

Margaret felt choked and so changed the subject. “Nice to see you are wearing a lovely suit instead of those cycling shorts and sweaty shirt.”

“Ah yes, changed in the toilets.”

“So you cycled here?” David added frowning at the man.

“Oh yes! I have back up; I'm wearing some of those pants I told you about.” He opened up his jacket to see something not quite right. “Oh my! I just remembered I left them at home, oh blast all wet through now.”

As David watched the guy head for the toilets he added a few words of wisdom. “They always say; no sense no feeling.” He looked at Rare and Marie and found another comment. “The time you both have been married, have you ever had a strong word with each other. I know me and Florence were always at it, hammer and tong.”

They smiled as Marie replied; “No, we have never had an argument. We understand each other and know how each other think.”

“I knew a couple just like that, an elderly man and woman, so much in love, they never had a harsh word to say or raise voices at each other for forty years.” Then Margaret frowned; “Come to think of it, he was deaf and she was mute, could have something to do with it.”

David found this conversation to be one he wanted out of and so poured out the wine.

“Ah my old friends, having a good time?” Ray asked and saw the Welshman downing another glass. “This table looks like death itself has come knocking.” He stared at Robin, “The police haven't fined you have they? Not going to be locked up are you?”

Robin shook his head, “No, I'm fine. I shall never let myself be put in jail again.”

Marie placed her glass quickly down. “You've got a criminal record?”

“Oh yes.” Robin grinned.

David suddenly found interest in this conversation, “Was it murder? How long did you get? If on good behaviour can you get out quickly? I'd love to do away with my ex-wife's lover boy.”

Robin ignored the dark side of the big man. “The time I was over at Corfe Castle to help my drug abused friend out. There I was minding my own business when I fell down the steep hilly bit. I rolled all the way to the bottom. The police came along with an ambulance.

“Did they help you?” Ray asked.

“Yeah, they cheered me on... on my climb back up to the top.”

“Then what happened, as you said you have a criminal record. Did you beat a copper for being so insensitive?”

“No David, I got up to where my friend stood and he opened his mouth by saying; “Wow that was one hell of a trip dude. Want something for the pain?”

“They didn't?” Margaret questioned as she drank her warm Vodka.

“Sure did. I was arrested and jailed as a drug pusher and under the influence. I spent three weeks inside until they finally realised I always looked like that and wasn't under any influence, apart from my lose shoe lace which instigated my trip and fall.” Robin chuckled; “After that I went on a crime stoppers spree. I advertised that I was setting up a local neighbourhood watch, only the advertising company misspelt it as neighbourhood swatch. I had people ringing me up and asking me what designs I had and did they tell the time accurately.”

“My poor Rare man. Still must look back on it and laugh.”

Margaret felt a bit sick when she watched the newly weds slobber over each other and Marie reached into her mouth to give Robin his front teeth back. “I wonder if Andy has dried himself off?”

“Ah, he's over on another table, probably scared to come back here after his mistake down below.” David added just as Dirk came rolling back with some kind of exotic cocktail.

“Talking about laughing boy over there and his wet patch eh?”

“We were.”

“Don't worry Dave me man, I had him stand in front of this steam boats coal driven furnace for five minutes; he's cool and pulling by the looks of it.” Then he leaned over towards Robin and beckoned all to come closer. “I've always wondered why they allow a small gents urinal at work? We have no insane dwarfs there do we?”

“It's not for nutty dwarfs!” David shouted as the alcohol made him more loud.

“I always understood that you had to call them vertically challenged.” Margaret added.

“Nah, that's tall good looking people like me with big...”

“Either way, the small urinal is for children, not the vertically challenged.” Ray came in with just in time.

“But we don't cater for the psycho kids who blow their mother's brains out due to the fact that they wanted a strawberry lollipop instead of a apple one.” David came in with as he found another drink to gulp down.

Dirk was all serious about this kiddie thing. “No, but you never know. Best keep them away from watching Kojack just in case.”

“I was always told it was for people who came from Australia.”

“Pardon me Rare?”

“You know, cause they live down under, everything is upside down for them, so a smaller urinal would help them wee whilst standing on their heads.”

“Who the hell told you that?” Dave laughed.

“The same teacher who used to strip me naked and slap my wet buttocks with a towel before allowing all the other lads to do it. Said it got the boys over the fear of showering naked.”

Naked young men in her mind Margaret found she preferred the other conversation. “Getting back to the other issue. What did you do?”

“He got me to do handstands and wee at the same time into the said small urinal. I wasn't much good at it firstly, keep weeing into my mouth. After about six weeks I could hit the spot...”

“That's good going..” Dirk felt proud of the guy, anyone else would have...

“Under my nose and miss my mouth.”

“Whurr.”

“Then after a whole term I could do it blindfold.”

“Hit the spot under your nose?”

“No Dirk, hit the plug hole in the urinal.”

“What happened after that?”

“Apparently he entered me into a private competition of all places in Australia...no Japan as they are all small out there. He won so much money he quit his teaching job.”

“Did you get anything out of it, apart from hitting the spot?”

“Yes, I qualified in all my gymnastics awards without even doing a thing. My mother came up with the deal after she found out I could do handstands while weeing.”

“How did she find out?” Margaret asked as another nasty vision popped into her head. “I don't want to know, just leave the details out of the way.”

“Ah those crazy school days!” Dirk added as he chuckled to himself and David started laughing as the drink made him do that as well.

“What do you mean exactly Dirk?” Margaret only remembered being bullied because she had a larger chest than everyone else. Catholic all girls school, sister James thought her chest was demonised and said so; then on hindsight that nun was as flat as a pancake.

“The school pranks, the set you up jokes. Do you remember the joke Rare of placing thumb tacks through an innocent school boys blazer and into the wooden seat. Ah the joys of watching him try and stand up, taking the chair and his legs with him. I got banned in the end, I progressed to girls skirts and when Mary Parker stood up once, it ripped her short skirt right off.”

“Yeah, I remember.” Robin said bitterly as he was half garrotted because someone had thumb tacked his shirt as well, as it hung out with his blazer. Then a little nagging thought came to him. “Why are you telling us this Dirk?”

The man was in stitches as he pointed over to Andy's chair, “Because I found some tacks and done the same to Andy boy. Look! He's about to get up and dance.”

The table watched on helpless as Andrew went to stand in his thin jacket. The only problem here was the jacket ripped open and when it did, it revealed a holy burnt pair of trousers, all holed in the wrong area. Andy had been keeping his suit jacket buttoned up tight because of this.

“Hey hey! Flasher alert, flasher alert!” Dirk cried out in fits of laughter while Margaret the oldest one here ran over and covered his exposed parts with her handbag.

Ray's mouth fell open, “He's not wearing any underwear disgusting pervert!”

Marie who was staring at the table all flushed connected the dots. “That's because he wet himself and lost the underwear, then Dirk obviously melted the front of his trousers on the hot furnace and now this. Poor Andrew!”

“I wouldn't worry too much, the gag has backfired. He seems to have pulled a couple of women who obviously liked what they saw.”

“Oh bloomin hell, he's pulled!” Dirk echoed Robin's words. “Now where was that furnace and Rare..”

“Yes Dirk.”

“Get those thumb tacks back and stick them round my chair when I get back.”

“Yes Dirk.” Robin sighed at the mans lowness.”

“You are not going to are you?” Marie asked as she watched Margaret and Andy leave and the Welshman pass out onto the table drunk.

“Nah, I fancy a quiet night at home, can't stand these badly organised parties.”

Marie laughed, as they could always find the time to laugh at themselves. To her, humour was always the best tonic to get through life and Robin was full of the stuff. They left Ray telling horror stories to a bunch of elderly women. Oh, and Dirk was thrown out for exposing himself in the wrong party room. Actually he was arrested, that's the trouble when you stroll into a policeman's ball wearing only a G'string.

At home Robin lay out on the bed in his string vest and ‘Y'fronts a contented man. He had arranged a duff party which would be moaned about at work, then later one would laugh about it and then the whole gang would come to the conclusion that it was a great party full of pranks and dares.

The lady of his life came floating in as if on air and stood before him wearing very little.

“I have something special for you, which I want to give to you now.” She took her dressing gown off allowing it to slide very softly to the floor. “You know you want to do it!”

Robin grinned, “Most definitely my dear.”

“See whether you can get me into you favourite position and take me on the bends.”

“You didn't build it like you were suggesting?” Robin asked as he dribbled on his vest; trouble with false teeth.

Marie yanked a cord by her right hand and down from the ceiling came a Scalelectric set built in a figure eight.

Next morning Robin cycled to work and managed to avoid placing his bike anywhere where it shouldn't be. He walked into the long hallway and past a few of his patients before meeting up with David his superior.

“Where did you sneak off to last night?”

“Ah, Marie and I wanted some quiet time together.”

David grinned as he gave Rare a slap on the back knocking the man's glasses off. “You old dog you, tell me all about it.”

“I lost my control and it was over in five minutes.”

“Happens to us all, well that's what my wife used to say before she left me for that scum bag.” David replied as a dark cloud fell over his horizon.

“Yes my Toyota spun off allowing Marie to finish in her leisure.”

“Eh?”

“Scalelectric, we went home and had a few races on the board she built me.”

Dave blinked much like the last remains of water slowly bubbling down a partially blocked sink before like a gargling noise the sink of his mouth said, “Gee, the fun never stops at the Rare household.” He then looked at his clipboard and announced to the small dead looking man; “I have a new patient for you.”

“Who?”

“A lady who used to be the brightest spark of her generation. Now a washed up forty year old. Burnt out while very young, had a nasty experience, the game show she was on caught alight. Still she is making good progress and is about to be released.”

Robin felt uneasy, “Does it say what game show on your records?”

David looked down as he took Rare along; “Ah yes, Blockbusters, what ever that was. Now here she is, Monica I'd like to introduce you to Robin Rare.”

The lady turned round knowing that name from somewhere in her dark past. “Robin who?”

“Rare, pleased to meet you.”

“No, no, no! I'll have a pee please Bob! Oh no my hair is on fire, the place is burning down, Robin Rare, Rare, Rare, RARE!” Then the poor girl fell to the floor shaking violently until she was sedated by a passing doctor.

David looked at Robin and said just a few words. “I think I will give this patient to someone else.”

“Good idea!” Robin replied as he hurried away.

THE END.