BACK WITH THE LIVING.

 

Rare found his way back up from the cold darkness to the light, where many insane walked the halls, the ones who could be trusted.

“Hey Doctor Rare, wanner play baseball?”

Robin grinned at the young man as he stood there in the hallway. “What have I told you about playing baseball in the hall, too many windows.”

“But it's raining out in the garden and old Donald is out there collecting snails. I don't want anymore snails in jars around me. It's enough to send a man nutty.”

“We'll play later, I'll rent out a padded cell and we can go in there.” Robin replied, noting the lad put away his imaginary bat into an invisible bag with no doubt balls and other things.

“Cool! I'll assemble the team.”

“You do that.” Robin didn't mind, the only time he did was when the guy tried to make him put on an invisible jock strap before the tournament once. You try fighting off a man who really thinks he has an old authentic jock strap that Darrell Strawberry wore.

Robin found his way to the canteen where everyone who had had enough of their patients or had conveniently lost theirs sat around until the patients either returned to their inner self or they went and found the ones they were looking over.

“Ah Robin Rare just the man I need to see. So how are you?” A Welsh accent shouted out causing the whole canteen to drop to a deadly silence, oh and a few bits of crockery dropped by startled people upon a man shouting out.

“I was all right until I saw you Dave.”

David frowned before taking the comment as a joke. “Ah good one Rare, now come and join us over here.”

“Do I have to?”

“Ha, ha! You merry quipper you.”

It seemed to Robin that everyone wanted to be his friend, now that he had a little money. Was that paranoia? Probably so. “What is it you are all talking about?”

David handed the man a coffee. “Your usual with two sugars and a little fresh cream, had it smuggled in past the chief cook this morning.”

Margaret looked up, “She is still on one of those get healthy phases. It seems that because she is eighteen stone and rising that all of us are. So she goes to weight watchers and we all suffer with lettuce and shredded carrot. I feel like a bunny rabbit trapped in a cage. I swear my teeth are wearing down from gnawing on raw carrots.”

“Well, my urine is all orange now, we need a break from the evil woman with green hair and orange eyes.”

As Robin looked at David he replied, “It can't be that bad and she can't possibly look like that.” Just as he said this the evil dinner lady walked by with green hair and yes, orange eyes from one of those dodgy contact lens guys off the internet.

“That's why I have come up with a plan.” David whispered.

“Why don't we just bring in pack lunches?”

Margaret frowned at the small man. “Because she has that nutty sergeant Bail on duty and he does a regular bag check. Dirk lost his whole lunch and was most put out that his chocolate body paint was confiscated too. I don't know why that man has such an obsession with the stuff, it's not as if...” She stopped, “He hasn't has he?”

“Our boss Allison.”

“Oh my word! And I thought she had brains!” Margaret pulled her face into a contorted wrinkled up one which got easier as each year passed. “I can't imagine how he goes through so much?” Then she found her answer. “Allison likes the taste and so does Dirk.”

“Every night a whole three tubs of the stuff each.”

She raised her hands up and spreading her palms outwards she raised them to her ears to cover them. “I don't want to hear anymore! Enough of their evil ways.”

“Anyway we need you to help us out.”

“Lend you some money you mean.”

“I need you to lend us some...”

“Oh you know.”

“That's the only time you buy me a coffee is when you want something Dave.”

“No its not old boy, I've purchased loads of items for you in the past without asking anything back from you.”

“Name one?” Margaret added as she saw the glint in Rob's eyes, or was it that he had actually cleaned the lenses and they were reflecting the strip lighting?

“Okay that time I....um no. Okay the time I brought us all...no, I asked for the money back later on. Okay Rare I always never buy you anything. But today I am a changed man. You couldn't lend me a pound to play on the fruit cake machine could you?”

The man was about to stand up when Margaret yanked the big rugby looking guy back down. “Sit on it Welshie.” Then she smiled, “Ah Happy Days and the Fonze. Always brings a smile to my old school girl face.”

“We get paid at the end of the month. We can see to it that we can pay you back then.”

Robin frowned, “And do what?”

Margaret frowned also as she explained the obvious here; “You smuggle in food to order.”

“And how do I do that exactly?” Rob asked as he noted the small table of friends lower the loudness of their voices.

“Well boyo, we give you a list of goodies everyday and you bring them in via the back door.”

“I've never been any good at lists especially through those war times.”

“What do you mean?” Margaret replied as her frown was getting ever deeper.

“You know those supermarket wars, where they have outside each market two trolleys and claim they can save you pounds against the same items from their rival”

“Yes, go on.” Lost now in the conversation.

“I used to do that, buy all the items in that trolley, saved me pounds you know.”

“Don't tell me, you used to take note of every item and go round and buy it.” David added as he was frowning also.

“Oh no Dave, I just took the trolley on display, far easier.”

“But supposing there were some items you didn't need?”

“No, I just adjusted my diet, though those ladies tights gave me a rash. Nylon always does that you know. Mind you the Immac ladies hair wax removal system worked wonders on my bum hair. Ah no more chafing round the panty line.”

“What has that got to do with the price of eggs?”

“Nothing as eggs were very rarely included in the trolley.”

Dave slapped the guy round the back of the head making his glasses come off. “No boyo! What has that got to do with us giving you a clear list of goodies and you getting Marie to do it.”

“Yeah Rare how well does she do it?” A voice called out as a hand slapped Robin on the back knocking the poor chaps glasses off once more; he had only just put them back on.

“She writes out a list and makes me stick close to her as she does it.”

“Karma Sutra method eh? Dirty minx.”

Margaret went a little red round the face. “We are talking about shopping lists Dirk, not other escapades involving all kind of things like chocolate spread.”

“Hey I have a fetish for the stuff and so does the manager. By the way, that's not our chocolate covered body parts photocopied and hung up on the staff room wall.”

“It sure looks like your backside Dirk as I am now a fully fledged member of your moonshine brigade.”

David tutted while Margaret had to ask, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Do you remember that sign language convention we had here for the deaf mentally insane and other deaf people, like relatives and friends who had been maltreated?”

“Yes, I can recall it, though I was on holiday at the time.”

“Dirk here volunteered to do the signing when the person who was supposed to do it was sedated and strapped down to a bed after having a mood swing.”

Dirk took to the offence, “Look Rare, there was nothing wrong with my signing.”

Dave added weight to Rare's words, “Nothing right with it, we had a riot in the hall.”

“All I did was do my best, ain't my fault no one was about from the sign language community to aid me in certain words and signs.”

“What did he do?”

“The speaker was saying how he was over the moon. Laughing boy here pulls his trousers and pants down and tried to jump over the chair. You try calming down an hysterical load of deaf sexually abused persons in the convention.”

Dirk in turn cursed Dave before going back to the original subject. “What's this about Rare and lists?”

“We want Rob here to smuggle in much needed food past the cook.”

“Oh yeah our boss is scared of the girl, won't go up against her. So Rare here gets us what we need and smuggle it in via the only secure back door our chef won't check.”

“Exactly!”

Robin had his turn to frown. “What is the back door you are referring to?”

“Putting fun into funeral! Place the nosh in the coffins when you deliver them and take the evidence away when you whisk the dead off to the grave.”

“Ah I see!” Rare was enlightened. His business was to become a smuggling thing now.

“It's a sure fire winner, the chef ain't going to suspect a thing.”

“Marie will do the list thing won't she?” Dave asked as his stomach growled for the food he was accustomed to.

“Marie is going to do what?”

All turned to see the girl as she gave her husband a kiss on the cheek while the others grimaced at her kissing the frog looking guy with actual warts on his face.

“Returned those towels yet Dirk?”

“What towels?” He asked.

“You know those ones from the Brighton Hotel.”

“I'll tell you again I didn't take any out of my room. Stains you see, stopped me taking home those towels from that certain hotel.”

“Yeah but the stains are yours anyway!”

“Whurrr, can we get off this subject!” Margaret almost shouted.

“And back to the apple of Rare's eye, now will you and Marie do it?”

“Not in front of you Dirk no.”

“Don't use that term Dirk!” Robin interjected just after Marie had shouted at the guy.

“What term?”

“Apple of my eye.”

“Well, ain't she then?”

“She is but we avoid that term in our household, it reminds me of a saddened past.”

“Oh boy, another Rare classic coming up. Go on dear hit us with this tale of woe.” Margaret added as she felt a fascination these days for Robin's sad and odd tales.

“I'm off to get another round of carrot tasting coffee, anyone want one?” David asked not finding the stomach for another nightmarish story.

“Sure bud, a clover tea for me!”

Dave held out his hand. “One twenty five then.”

“You are a tight wad you know that!” Dirk mumbled as he searched round in his pockets. “Blast the change has got lost through that pocket hole. Oh my its gone and lodged between two ice burgs round the south pole area.”

“Ah, don't bother, I'll get this round in, you just leave your small change right where it is.” Dave hurried away.

Dirk grinned. “Always works that! Now Rob tell us about your apples for eyes?”

“You are the Apple of my eye.” Marie said and saw her husband smile.

“And you are mine. My brother misunderstood this once.”

“He did?”

“He took it literally and carved an apple into the shape of his beloved.”

“Oh that is so sweet..” Margaret threw in wondering what could be so bad about this tale.

“Before gouging his real eye out and sticking the apple into it.”

“Was your brother always this odd Rare?”

“No, like me he was even odder. That's why he's dead.”

“Oh I'm sorry Robin, what did he die of?”

“You know those places where they store electricity.”

“Fuse box!” Dirk replied and was cut off by Margaret tutting and answering correctly.

“Sub stations. He didn't lose a ball or Frisbee; climb over and electrocute himself?”

“No, he understood the big sign that showed a gigantic bolt of lightning shaped like the letter ‘N'.”

“So how did he die then?” Dirk frowned as it was his time to do this.